具体描述
Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it—in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”
用户评价
##"All suffering prepares one for vision" // 故事想起来都心碎，道理讨论起来又眼界大开（所以relationship的参与者都是在深挖“自我”+negotiate customized contract，要不然怎么说relationship is so hard...啊我的脑子要坏掉了）
##很好的两性关系解读，无论是否出轨，都很有帮助。 书摘在此： https://readings.posthaven.com/the-end-of-jobs-by-taylor-pearson-by-esther-perel
Thought provoking indeed. 跟她的前作Mating in Captivity比起来，这本书是基于前作并更加专攻infidelity。Esther Perel在这一方面真的是我的偶像了，每次看她的书听她的podcast都学到好多。她给的观点都相当客观，都有现实案例来支撑。Infidelity可以让情侣们学到很多，但她并不建议大家走这条路去吸取教训；polyamory不是毫无规矩的纵欲，他们也有自己遵循的一套法则；很多时候infidelity是基于沟通失败，权力关系失衡等等的缘由；有的关系可以在经历外遇后存活，有的则不能，所以根本没有一个完美的解决方案。最重要的还是明白恋爱关系中并没有“占有权”，一切都是“租赁关系”，可以重新“续单”很好，不能重新“续单”要反思。
##写作风格太散乱，例子太多，看不太下去了。不过得到一些启发
##"All suffering prepares one for vision" // 故事想起来都心碎，道理讨论起来又眼界大开（所以relationship的参与者都是在深挖“自我”+negotiate customized contract，要不然怎么说relationship is so hard...啊我的脑子要坏掉了）
##剖析极为细致 摈弃了非黑即白的论调 将事情复杂化人性化了 厉害厉害
##写作风格太散乱，例子太多，看不太下去了。不过得到一些启发
##the book does bring some interesting perspectives to the everyday notion of affairs
##补码。 外遇也是一个无可比拟的窗口，让我们能够窥见人类心中的裂缝。 但关于婚外情，作者其实没有解答，陈列出许多，利弊都有，但就是没有答案，只有建议，哪怕这是窥视自己的一个窗口，也别走这条路。 monogamy原本就是违背人类天性的，既要承载爱，也要承载责任，更要框定人类欲望与好奇，实在是overloaded了的。 哪有人可以完美到满足自己所有这些情感需求且能不停保持新鲜感，又得直到丧失性能力前都能对彼此身体感兴趣，醒醒吧，绝大多数时候，婚姻不过妥协而已。